While the happiest time of the year it may be for some, unfortunately, the holidays can also bring up a lot for many of us. Whether it's visiting family, getting pulled into old roles and dynamics, the stress of traveling or shopping, the pain of isolation and loneliness, or conflict arising in partnerships and families...
Along with the cheerful spirits, beautiful decorations and traditions, it can be an especially intense and often challenging time psychologically and emotionally for many people.
Here are some tips on how to manage and get through it with a few less bumps and bruises.
FOR COUPLES
Have a Game Plan
If you know something's coming you're better prepared to deal with it. So acknowledge with each other that this is a stressful time of the year and you're likely to get triggered or activated in some ways and you need to have extra patients and collaboration.
-Acknowledge your differences.
-Try not to misinterpret each other, instead check in about what you think is being said.
-Manage your activation, and give each other a break because you know you'll both get activated at some point and it's not an indicator of a lack of love or care. It's a matter of continuing to get better at managing frustration and distress.
-Keep trying to slow down and try to send your Ambassadors into the conversations rather than your Primitives. (Stan Tatkin: https://youtu.be/2xKXLPuju8U?si=dPS5ivhPRhZ0JpoR)
FOR INDIVIDUALS
Check, Re-check Your Narratives
This can be perhaps one of the hardest times of the year for individuals who are not partnered-up or are feeling lonely or isolated.
It's very important to be aware of the thoughts that our minds tell us, and catch them. We can listen to negative thoughts that aren't necessarily the truth, buy into them/believe them, and then feel negative feelings in response. However, if we question some of those negative thoughts about self/life/other people it can help us to not get stuck in a spiral of negative emotion.
Of course, there are benefits to being in a partnership or relationship and not being alone, perhaps seemingly especially at the holidays. But there are also lots of stresses in relationship that when you're single you are likely to not account for and think that somebody else's life is better than yours When in reality they might have a very difficult, painful struggle and wish that they had some of the things you have or think your life is better.
Our filters and how we interpret the world and the stories we tell ourselves have a powerful influence on our thoughts, feelings moods, and our lives.
FOR FAMILIES (AND EVERYONE)
If you're traveling at the holidays or just spending more time with family than normal, it can definitely be a challenging environment, rife with opportunities for conflict, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Differentiate
Remind yourself that others are separate from you and they have their own stuff going on inside of them and what they think, say or do doesn't have to mean anything about you. They could be rude, mean or communicate poorly, but the good thing is you are separate from them and you have the potential to manage your own internal world and your own responses.
Choose Your Response
Victor Frankl has a quote that I love, which I'll paraphrase,
"Between stimulus and response there is a space, and in that space lies our power to choose our response, and in that choice lies our freedom."
If we can catch an activated moment of reaction inside of us and create a little bit of space to identify what's happening, we can find more freedom.
Here's a potential activation cycle:
Stimulus > nervous system activation > vulnerable emotion > protective emotion > meaning making/thoughts about self and others > more feelings in response to meaning/narrative.
If we can catch this process, we have more potential to have a conscious choice about the meaning we're making and the stories we're believing and therefore our responses.
This is at least one way to get better traction in our internal world and how we end up feeling this beautiful and challenging holiday season.
Feeling overwhelmed this holiday season? Couples counseling can provide the support you need. Reach out today, and let's navigate this together.