What is an Enneagram, and how can you find yours?
The enneagram model is a method of “typing” different overarching personalities. When you figure out where you stand within this model (Enneagram Institute), you can learn some interesting things about your psyche. And once you’ve “typed” yourself, you might find that it explains a few things about your personality that you never realized before. It’s so nice when a bird’s eye view helps things fall into place.
What Type Are You?
But how does your enneagram type affect your relationship? Certain types are more compatible with each other due to their personalities. But also, to be a good partner in relationship, you need to know your strengths and shortcomings. The enneagram helps articulate what growing edges you’ll need to watch out for and work on to create the love you want.
Here’s a breakdown of what each enneagram type needs in a relationship and where you’ll likely need to up your game to be a good match for your ideal match.
Reminder: While type indicators are helpful, no complex human being is ever as simple or straightforward as an objective test may make them sound.
Enneagram #1: The Perfectionist
You often need reassurance that you are loved, so you do best with a communicative partner. Ideally, you want to be with someone who values equality and shared responsibilities. You’re willing to forgive mistakes, but you’re not a pushover. And you’d like a partner who holds themselves to a high standard. You’ll likely need to watch out for being critical, perfectionistic and impatient (but then so do many of us.)
Enneagram #2: The Helper
Your partner is lucky to be with an extremely supportive person like you. However, you have a tendency to neglect self-care, and you sometimes struggle to set boundaries. Overall, you want to date someone who is a good listener and knows how to boost your self-esteem. You’ll need to work on being aware of your own needs and how you get into trouble when you aren’t taking care of yourself.
Enneagram #3: The Achiever
You have big dreams that you won’t give up on. Thus, you need a partner who understands your serious ambitions. Furthermore, you’ll be happiest with someone who has their own major goals to achieve and who allows you to maintain a greater degree of independence. They’ll support you, but they’ll also give you your personal space. You’ll need to watch out for tendencies to overwork and be competitive, and get more in touch with what you’re really needing to feel loved and accepted.
Enneagram #4: The Romantic
You have intense emotional depth, and so, you need a lighthearted partner to balance it out. You’re a very sensitive person, and you’re prone to feeling melancholy. A partner who respects your feelings and your intuitive nature, yet can point out the bright side of a bad situation, is a good match. You’ll need to remember: I have feelings, but I am not my feelings, and learn to engage and relate more with others to create more opportunities for positivity in your life.
Enneagram #5: The Observer
You’re very analytical, and you never make a decision without thinking it through several times. You’re definitely an introvert, so you will be happiest with a partner who does not try to force you into social situations. Some might mistake you for aloof, but your partner will recognize that you’re just thoughtful! You’ll need to remember: I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts, and to work to grow trust and connection with others and notice when obsession pulls you into isolation.
Enneagram #6: The Questioner
You can be a procrastinator, and you’re prone to low self-esteem. While you often wonder if the decision you’re making is really the right choice, you’re also known for being responsible and reliable. Your partner needs to be the type who won’t rush you into making a choice and understands when you want to take the relationship slowly. You’ll need to watch out for impulsiveness and how it takes over, disconnecting your from yourself, your real needs and others. You’ll need to learn to notice and work with your anxiety, and work to create trust and security inside yourself, with life and with a partner, ideally in that order.
Enneagram #7: The Adventurer
You don’t always look before you leap—but you’d rather try something new and fail than never try at all! There’s no doubt you have to be with a partner who loves your extroverted personality. Chances are, you wouldn’t be as happy with a homebody. You want someone who will come along for the ride. You’ll need to watch out for impulsiveness and how it takes over, disconnecting your from yourself, your real needs and others.
Enneagram #8: The Leader
The first word many people would use to describe you is “assertive.” Some might even mistake you for angry. But your partner will be able to recognize that you’re just a passionate and dedicated person. You need someone who can see your vulnerable and tender side underneath your strong public persona. You’ll need to notice and evolve how you use your power, it’s impact on others and what you really need underneath that drive.
Enneagram #9: The Peacemaker
You shy away from confrontation, but you’re also a patient listener who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. You’ll be happiest with a partner who helps you find the confidence to assert yourself. You’ll need to notice how you give away your power and why, and how to take care of yourself, your needs and be real in relationship. For more detailed information on enneagram types check out the The Enneagram Institute.
Wondering how your personal enneagram type is affecting your relationships? Trying to figure out who you are most compatible with and how to improve your love life? Relationship therapy might be the answer.