Why You Shouldn't Wait For Major Problems To Try Couples Therapy

First of all, I think we should relabel couples therapy as something like relationship training. I mean it seems obvious to take some sort of training in anything you want to do halfway decently. Why not do that with one of the most important things in your life, your relationship, family, or marriage?

Don't Wait For Conflict Or Major Problems To Try Couples Therapy 

couple with arms crossed on couch

It can be a really helpful tool…just for making life easier. But it's also possible that you've missed some important problem signs.  If you're not having major conflict it might be because you keep brushing things under the rug.

Things that get brushed under the rug usually remain unresolved. Unresolved issues lead to distance, and distance leads to disconnection which leads to vulnerability to bigger problems.

You may have heard the joke about the couple who never fought. It's because they never talked.  The lack of outright conflict or arguments isn't necessarily a good thing. In general I tend to think of conflict as inevitable, and of productive conflict as a good thing.

Conflict Is The Result of Differences And We Are All Different 

It's quite common to actually be attracted to someone who is different from you in particular ways that we call “interlocking sensitivities”.  That is when you end up pushing their buttons and they end up pushing yours just because of the way you tend to do things. 

So good luck finding someone you're not different from. The question is can you manage the differences effectively?

Some people brush things under the rug in order to avoid conflict or keep the peace or because when they saw conflict growing up it pretty much always went BADLY.  Or for other folks, they never really saw conflict (I mean between their parents) so it's very unfamiliar and intimidating to them.

What Phase Are You In?

So if you're not having conflict you could be in the honeymoon phase still, or you might be avoiding conflict or brushing things under the rug. Or maybe you're just not talking to each other much at all. Perhaps unresolved issues and differences have turned into a chilly, somewhat distant relationship.

Whether you're in the honeymoon phase, brushing things under the rug or in some version of a Cold War, most of us didn't have very good relationship models going up.

Most of us didn't learn that differences and conflict are inevitable, but also that differences can actually become a strength (a complementary relationship). And communicating about our differences well can actually build intimacy, closeness and a bond that will help you last the tests of time.  

So consider checking out couples therapy, even if things aren't obviously “bad”.  When I see younger couples come in and start working with me in preparation for marriage or just as a proactive step to set themselves up for success, I'm always in admiration and appreciation of their foresight.  

Why Wait?

Don't wait until there's a Cold war, don't wait until there's distance between you from not talking about issues, and don't avoid talking about issues… Rather, learn how to do it effectively and well so that you, your partnership and your family can pass on a new model of doing relationship.  If that's not motivating, I'm not sure what would be.  

You have the chance to change the course of your lineage, your children's future, by learning and passing on new ways of talking through differences effectively in a way that builds connection rather than creates distance and disconnection. 

And even if you don't have kids or don't plan to have kids, you could change the trajectory of your own relationship and your own level of satisfaction and happiness in your life.