When partners are “paired”, like Bluetooth devices, they are connected. When there's a problem, partners get disconnected and they need to re-pair. It usually takes a minute. Not just a second or two. I mean, yeah, it's more complicated for sure than re-pairing your Alexa speaker, but it's not brain surgery. It just takes some care and intention.
Sometimes folks think a simple “I'm sorry,” is enough, but be advised, usually…it isn't. In most cases there is generally a recommended approach. Most people who feel hurt want to feel that their hurt is understood and empathized with. That's the medicine.
Here are the most important guidelines for re-pairing (repairing) injuries:
Correlation
As alluded to above, the bigger the hurt, the more time, intention and energy likely needed to heal and repair.
Start Soft
Don't try to repair if you're still activated and can't communicate effectively or can't access empathy and care. You'll probably go round and round in circles or make things worse.
Ownage
Some people have difficulty acknowledging or owning hurt they may have caused others. Even if it was unintentional, the rule of thumb is that if your partner felt hurt, your job is to listen, understand, empathize, acknowledge, and let the empathy and care and sincerity start to do the healing. You should receive the same when it's your turn.
Verify
An injury or hurt hasn't been repaired until the person who feels hurt or both people who have been hurt feel better. When your partner can say it feels better, then you know you have done a good job. If your partner still feels hurt, it's likely that you haven't expressed empathy effectively or your partner hasn't felt like you understand why and how they got hurt. Just because you used the word “sorry” doesn't mean it's repaired.
Letting Go
Now, it's true that some people have difficulty receiving a well-done apology or receiving repair. Sometimes people hold on to a hurt and it becomes more difficult to repair. Or perhaps there have been multiple injuries around the same issue. In that case it may be more difficult and you may need some extra help re-pairing. But if your partner does these things well, you should naturally be ready to let it go.
LISTENING
Listen with curiosity and a desire to understand, empathize, validate your partner's experience, reflect back what you heard them say, and ask questions if you don't understand. Your job is to listen to understand even, and especially if you don't agree with what you're hearing. This is a 2-way street. Both people need to be good listeners. Take turns.
Speak to the limbic system
It's more important to reach your partner's limbic system than their logic center. It's the emotional, safety-and-security, vulnerable little animal body part of your partner's brain and nervous system. Use welcoming and non-threatening body language, voice, gaze and facial expressions and gentle touch. Soften and warm everything up intentionally so that your partner's limbic system hears you. That will help your partner's nervous system settle and soften.
Finally
The hurt partner may need to thaw out a little before they're fully ready to let it go. Both acknowledge this and come back to finish if needed. The repairing partner deserves to get credit for their work.
When one person feels hurt and the other feels misunderstood, the misunderstood partner might just want to be understood regarding where they were coming from. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation. Acknowledge and understand that. Both people deserve to feel acknowledged and validated. If you need help or would like to try couples therapy, go ahead and reach out, I can help you and your partner get “paired up” again.