Romance isn’t rocket science.
Every relationship is a little different—but we all need certain qualities in our relationships in order to be happy together. These qualities are like building blocks.
Do THESE 7 Things for Your Relationship
In order to have a strong foundation and grow from there, we need to get the basics right first. You can’t build a house without a solid foundation, and the same goes for relationships!
Here are a few essential elements of every happy relationship.
You and your partner might approach them in your own unique way, but if you’ve been feeling like something is “missing” in your relationship, it could be on this list!
1. Quality Time
Ideally, couples should spend some quality time together each day—no phones, no TV blaring in the background, and no distractions!
But if you’re both too busy for daily quality time, carving out some time to spend together every week without other obligations is crucial. It doesn’t have to be a fancy, expensive dinner date or anything extravagant. Going for a walk, cooking together, or simply talking about your day after work can all count as quality time.
2. Cycle Consciousness
Every couple has differences. These are some of the most energizing things in a relationiship, they help create the chemistry between two people. But they also create friction, frustration and conflict.
ATTENTION: Conflict is inevitable…hopefully, that’s relieving and not demoralizing. Some couples want the honeymoon phase and feeling to last forever. The good news is, we know a lot of about how to turn conflict in closeness, so you can turn the crap parts of your relationship into energizing, growth-promoting experiences. You need to know your Conflict Cycle, understand it, and like your financial investments, make it work for you.
3. Honest Communication
Communication is key in healthy relationships—but it has to be radically honest communication.
Whether you’re feeling happy, sad, or just content, you should be able to open up about it to your partner. You shouldn’t feel left in the dark as far as your partner’s feelings are concerned. Don’t be afraid to speak up if you’re upset, and encourage your partner to do the same.
4. Compromise
Compromise doesn’t mean sacrificing all of your ideals to please your partner. It takes effort and understanding from both parties.
Sometimes, compromise means that neither of you will end up 100% happy, but it’s about balancing your personal needs and your partner’s needs in a fair way. Someone who can only think in terms of “my way or the highway” won’t be happy in a long-term, committed relationship.
5. Physical Affection
When it comes to physical affection and touch, everyone has different needs and limits. But physical affection makes couples feed closer and strengthens their bond. In fact, physical touch is one of the five main love languages.
Kissing, holding hands, throwing an arm around your partner’s shoulders—it all adds up. Of course, you should always communicate your personal boundaries and respect those of your partner.
6. “We” Consciousness
Are you and your significant other dealing with a problem? Remember, even when tensions are running high, you can’t fall into the rut of thinking that it’s you versus your partner. It’s both of you—united—against the problem! Therapists often refer to this as “we” consciousness, an sophisticated developmental accomplishment that not all couples have achieved!
Thus, to have a happy life, you need to nurture the “we” of your relationship, not just the “I”. Difficult times can bring you together in a commitment to your relationship rather than pull you apart.
7. Small Gestures
Simple acts of kindness serve as ways to say “I love you” without words. John Gottman’s research tells us the “masters” of relationship do these kinds of things.
Making your partner’s lunch for them to take to work and putting a sweet Post-It note inside. Surprising them with their favorite drink from a coffee shop you frequent. Buying them something they mentioned in passing, without waiting for a holiday to have an excuse. All of these kind gestures can mean a lot to your partner.
Do you feel like one of these elements are missing in your relationship?
Couples counseling can help. If you’d like to find out more about your options for relationship therapy, please contact me. Find out more about how my approach to Couples Counseling can help. I am San Francisco’s resident Couples & Relationship Therapist helping successful couples and singles create the love and life that they want!