Falling in love in our culture is a very powerful romantic ideal. For better or for worse, it has informed our ideas about relationships, and what they should look like, what we should expect and how we go about finding a partner.
But but if we do a little investigating, we find that falling in love is a very powerful unconscious process that in many cases we have not come to terms with, and that may be harmful to us.
The experience of falling in love
The experience of falling in love is influenced by a number of less-than-conscious factors including: an Imago template, implicit memory and powerful biological and neurological processes.
Imago Template
Psychologists have used the term Imago for a kind of psychological template that develops from our primary caregiver(s). When we are very young our parents are everything to us, and they're also our first love relationships. That's where we learn what love is like.
Implicit Memory
As adults, the Imago is an unconscious idea or template inside that tells us what we're looking for based on what feels familiar to us from the past and it has a lot of psychological energy in it. We are unwittingly drawn to what is familiar and psychologically charged for us and that comes from our early experiences with our parents.
If my parent was appropriately warm and responsive and nurturing, I'll likely be drawn to someone like that. If she or he was absent or critical or complicated and confusing, I'll likely be drawn to someone like that.
So when I'm falling in love with someone some part of my unconscious picks up on some part of their unconscious and something feels familiar and compelling. We are drawn to that person, we want to be close them, we want to feel connected to them, like we wanted to be connected, and likely often did, with our primary caregiver when we were very young.
Neurological Processes
This is the beginning of falling in love. Our psyches are drawn to characteristics and qualities in another person that we unconsciously recognize and have an affinity for. It activates our attachment systems and the neuropathways in the brain that remember that kind of closeness, longing, and connection that we experienced when we were very young.
When that happens all kinds of yummy, juicy neurochemicals get dumped into our brains: adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin, epinephrine, etc. and the reward centers in our brains are lit up like a fireworks display. So initially we are drawn to this person not only by physical attraction, but largely by our unconscious attraction, and then that gets reinforced by all the endogenous drugs being released into our system. And then we want more. We want more of this person. We want more of those neurochemicals because they feel so good, and we associate that person with all the good feelings. This is another important part of falling in love.
It's important to be aware of this because we're making important decisions due of powerful unconscious processes and biochemical reactions in the brain, not necessarily because we have met someone that will be good for us or good to us.
Oftentimes, falling in love is letting the powerful unconscious and neurochemical process draw us to people that may or may not be good for us. So, instead of just falling in love and letting your unconscious Imago and juicy neurotrasmitters make your decisions for you, try to bring your awareness to the process. Are you being drawn to someone by some complex unconscious elements or because their positive traits and qualities as a person are good for you and good for a long, satisfying dating relationship?