Are you sick and tired of dating or relationships that don't work. Do you get sick and tired of meeting the wrong kind of person…the one’s that Don’t. Work. Out? Ok, ready for this: Are YOU actually avoiding intimacy by pursuing certain types?
Research is showing us that even people who present as pursuers on some level are also potentially like closet withdrawers or distancers. You may know you want a satisfying relationship, but be subconsciously uncomfortable with or even afraid of getting engulfed or overwhelmed by the needs of others, or of getting hurt if you let yourself really find love and actually become vulnerable.
Is it possible that's true for you?
Some people who are used to the pursuer role aren't even aware that they have concerns about closeness or commitment. They've gotten so “comfortable” in the pursuing groove that it's like my well-worn pair of slippers that have holes and no support left – yeah: familiar, but not workin’ very well.
Attachment Theory
In short, pursuers tend to present as more anxious and want more contact with their partner, while withdrawers tend to present as more independent and need more space. These two positions are what powers the tango of relationship back and forth.
So, this idea kinda makes sense if you consider that at least one way to prevent yourself from getting into a bad, painful, disappointing long-term relationship or marriage could be to date or pursue people who are non-committal or avoidant. It’s not a conscious plan, otherwise it would be easy to course-correct.
Two Points for the Unconscious
When I was in therapy school we used to have a little saying. We used to say, "Two points for the unconscious," when someone would do or say something that belied some ulterior, subliminal intention or motivation. Science has shown that 95% of our brain activity is unconscious, so some digging and excavating may be required.
The thing is, as mammalian creatures we are all wired to need connection, while simultaneously we all also need healthy, separate independence. And if you tend to get fixated or polarized on one end of that spectrum, there may be an unconscious impulse (for pursuers, separateness) interfering with the conscious need for connection.
People who present as withdrawers or distancers are actually wrestling with their own need and desire to feel close and experience intimacy. While people who pursue more directly are often less in-tune with their need for separateness and independence. The crappy outcome is often that people who pursue end up with people who eventually start to withdraw which is the opposite of what they want. It can be so frustrating.
But wait, there’s more. At the same time there's a secondary gain or benefit, for the pursuer. They don't get suffocated, overwhelmed or engulfed. They don't even have to worry about it. There's something subtly safe or reassuring about that even though on the surface-level, consciously, they are experiencing a longing, disappointment and frustration around wanting connection.
In couples therapy its not uncommon to see that when someone who has been the pursuer starts to see their withdrawing partner become more present and available something surprising happens...they become disoriented, surprised, uncomfortable and sometimes even anxious at this person's availability and the possibility of real intimacy.
Is it possible that people who pursue and repeatedly experience rejection and disappointment in relationship because the other person is not emotionally available are actually unconsciously somehow invested in perpetuating this because of a complicated attachment system wiring? I believe its more common than we realize that people who say they “want a relationship”, but end up in relationships that “Don’t. Work. Out.” also have ambivalence about closeness, intimacy and an available partner.
I've even experienced this in my own life to some extent. I identified as a pursuer most of my life, but at some point I started to realize that I also felt hesitant and concerned about being controlled, needing space, not wanting to be told what to do, and not wanting to be emotionally suffocated. It started to make more personal sense to me that on some level some pursuers both desire connection, yet are simultaneously also afraid of being close to someone for fear of getting hurt, losing themselves or getting psychologically smothered.
Wondering What Comes Next?
If you can relate to this kind of pattern and are curious about learning more, discovering if you have mixed feelings about closeness and attachment in romantic relationships, and are ready to break the cycle of disappointment, unavailable partners and relationships that Don’t. Work. Out. …. If you want to some help changing how you relate and are creating the love you want in your life - feel free to call me for a free 15 minute phone consultation at (415) 797-8297.